Fun night + thoughts on language

Dear James, Daniel and Emily,

Last night we had a family barbecue at Dennis' house for Danny's birthday, before he heads back to Texas. It was a good time, played some ladder ball (I really need to practice and redevelop a technique because right now I am playing horribly). I also played a little pick up touch football with the kids: Austin & Dillon vs. Me, James, Chyanne, Daniel & Brandon. That was fun, got to introduce the little guys to some of the concepts. Including a chance to use one of Dad's favorite plays where everybody lines up in a line behind center. I am really looking forward to teaching the kids games like this.

Language

Recently James has been testing his limits on language. Using words like 'crap' and phrases like 'piss it off'. This is an optimal chance for me to test out some of my own ideas on this subject. As a fan of early Punk Rock and Rap etc. I firmly believe that words just can't hurt anyone. And take a pretty liberal approach to what I listen to in the car etc. But I also keep a pretty firm hand on my own language. I do that for 2 reasons: avoiding verbal laziness and out of respect for others who might be offended by what I say.

Given these parameters I had the chance to sit James down and explain what is acceptable and what isn't. I chose to take the simple approach of explaining that words like this are not used out of politeness and respect. I made it clear to him that there are no 'bad words'. There are just words that we don't use out of respect for others and politeness. Now I just need to keep reinforcing this and teach him different things to say: like 'tick it off' instead of 'piss it off' or 'crud' instead of 'crap'.

I think that if you take the approach that certain words are wrong or bad you are setting yourself up for failure as a parent. Because children will test limits, it's what they do as part of growing up. And if you make things forbidden then they will test themselves by doing those things. Obviously this doesn't apply to everything. But it does fit with our standard approach of explaining what is acceptable and what isn't and focusing on teaching rather than punishment.

There is however on word and concept that I have been working to train myself on. And that is Hate. The other day Daniel made the comment that he 'hates that game'. And I realized that this is something I want to avoid and need to work on. I need to work on not using the word hate, when all I mean is dislike. Because I don't want my kids to grow up thinking it is okay to hate anything. Hate is never productive or useful or fit for a civilized society. It's such a simple word, and it is hard to avoid it. But it is another very important part of teaching by example for the kids.

We'll see how it goes, and of course it is also going to be up to them to resist the influence of other kids. But I think we are doing a pretty darn good job so far of teaching the boys how to resist that pull.