1: a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation <remarks having respect to an earlier plan>
2: an act of giving particular attention : consideration
3 a: high or special regard : esteem b: the quality or state of being esteemed
So today I want to talk about respect, respect has become something of a cliche in our culture, its meaning degenerates a little. But respect is very important, it is a crucial part of maintaining the social contract. And it is one of the fundamental things that parents must teach their children. Because when someone lacks respect, for other people, other people's property, themselves, that is when things begin to break down and many problems occur. I like to think that I learned respect at an early age, and that is one of the things I continually hammer into my kids (not literally of course, that would be wrong).
In modern popular culture respect has become a cliche and a buzzword, and as a result it has lost some of its meaning and a lot of its impact. You have pop culture phrases like South Park's "You will respect my authority" which is cute the first time you hear it but the more it is repeated the more annoying it is because it degrades the impact of the word. You can't force someone to respect you, that's not respect, that's fear. Or little things, like when my sister in law talks about dealing with bikers in her bar and telling them to 'respect the colors' in order to keep the peace. And the worst is the way that certain parts of our culture have taken the word as something they deserve rather than something they earn. So you have anyone who disagrees, or questions their position, is 'disrespecting' that person, which often leads to arguments, violence etc.
Respect then becomes tricky. People in authority must earn respect: teachers, police officers, bosses, etc. But as a parent I want to teach my children to be respectful, to strangers, to authority figures, to adults in general. So really the difference comes from the second and third meanings of the word (see above). As a parent I want my children to follow the second meaning regarding other people and things they encounter: behave properly, don't take things without asking, don't break other kids toys, don't make a mess of other people's houses, basically give particular attention or consideration of those things and people they don't know or things that don't belong to them.
The third meaning of the word is what people earn. A student learns to respect their teacher(s), workers learn to respect their boss, civilians learn to respect police officers. But anyone in that position of authority (and this very much applies to parents) has to realize that, and pay attention to their own behavior in order to gain and retain that respect. As a society we are taught to respect the badge of the police officer, but the actions of one officer can take that down a notch. As a parent, all it takes is failing to come through on 1 promise, or being inconsistent in enforcing rules, or displaying your own lack of respect, and your child's respect starts to inch down.
And what people fail to realize as parents is that the littlest things can display that lack of respect, and teach it as a value. I like to use the Broken Window theory as justification for maintaining the house and lawn. The theory is that if you see a broken window in a building, that means people don't care and therefore it's okay to break the other windows (a gross oversimplification of course). Well how it applies to the house and teaching children respect is this. If I as a parent keep my house cleaned up, picked up, with the dishes cleaned in the kitchen etc. I am showing my children that I care about these things and they will learn to care about them as well, or at least realize that doing that is a sign of respect. Well the opposite is very true as well: if the house is always a mess, if the kitchen is stacked high with dirty dishes, kids will develop an attitude that since their parent doesn't care enough to respect their surroundings then why should they? And eventually this overlaps into other areas of their lives. Letting that dish go uncleaned, or the dirty laundry sitting in the middle of the living room is to kids what that building of broken windows is to criminals: an indication that someone doesn't care, and an invitation to wreak havoc.
So far following this strategy has worked for the kids. Part of it is copied behavior, part of it is learning. It doesn't have as big of an impact on the younger kids (like my 3 year old) but it does start to gradually work its way into their consciousness. And I can tell that James is starting to get it. He is generally very respectful when he goes to other people's houses, even when his parents are not around. I don't expect him to become a clean freak, neither Kim nor I are clean freaks (although she is better than I am). But he is learning that if he wants to keep his nice toys etc. he has to take care of them.
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